The Electric Mundanity of Mrs. Myrtle Standich

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Bingo Night

Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse met for Senior's Bingo Night at the Kalesburg Volunteer Fire Department Hall. Also in attendance were Mrs. Evelyn Woods, Mr. and Mrs. Henry Yamin, Mrs. Ida Willaby, Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Granger, Ms. Allison Tuttle, and a new couple whose age could be estimated at seventy.

Senior's Bingo Night had long been a place of intriguing conversation and this afternoon began much the same. Mr. Theodor Granger proposed that Mr. John Wayne would have made a better actor/president than Mr. Ronald Reagan. Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Ms. Allison Tuttle believed Mr. Ronald Reagan did a fine job both in the presidency as well as in acting.

Mr. Henry Yamin believed Mr. Gregory Peck would have made a better actor/president. Mrs. Evelyn Woods added that the motion picure, To Kill A Mockingbird, was one of the finest ever made, but that she would vote only for Mrs. Katherine Hepburn. Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse believed the world was not ready for a female president, adding that she had always admired Mr. Dwight D. Eisenhower. All at the table agreed that Dwight D. Eisenhower could not be considered an actor even though Mrs. Theodore Granger believed Mr. Dwight D. Eisenhower was in his high school's thespian society.

A general understanding was soon reached that hypothetical actor/presidents who performed in black and white motion pictures would make more reliable presidents.
At this moment, Ms. Allison Tuttle shouted 'bingo'.

When Ms. Allison Tuttle excused herself to receive her prize, a digital calculator manufactured by Sony, Mrs. Henry Yamin revealed that Ms. Allison Tuttle's card only spelled 'bing'. All at the table agreed that this would most likely be forgiven since Ms. Allison Tuttle had never been married. This proved true when Ms. Allison Tuttle returned with her brand new Sony digital calculator.

Conversation resumed and lasted until well past the end of Senior's Bingo Night when Mrs. Ida Willaby reminded us that Mr. Bing Crosby would also have made a fine actor/president.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007


Today, Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Ida Willaby met for their scheduled New Year's Resolution: a one mile speed walk every morning. For the most part, Mrs. Myrtle Standich was proud to report this resolution was kept intact despite an early decision to change speed walk into "more along the lines of a brisk" walk.*

Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Ida Willaby had met previous to the walk and each ate a spinach and tomato egg white omelette. Mrs. Myrtle Standich also had a whey protein shake. She had wanted to try one of these protein shakes since her grandson, Mr. Eric Standich, had spoken so highly of them. Mrs. Ida Willaby chose to drink grapefruit juice instead. She insisted that anything made of powder was eventually poisonous. Another complaint was that Mrs. Ida Willaby would have to purchase a forty ounce container of said poison to taste a cup of said poison as whey protein did not come in travel sizes. Although Mrs. Ida Willaby's opinion was skewed, Mrs. Myrtle Standich did decide to refrain from drinking whey protein shakes after her first taste reminded her of the idea of eating chalk soup. This description, however, was an assumption as Mrs. Myrtle Standich admitted in all honesty to having never eaten chalk soup.

The path on which Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Ida Willaby walked led around Lake Kalesburg. It was a pleasant atmosphere of evergreen pines and wild flowers. The pleasant atmosphere was interrupted only by the stream of bicyclists who rode along the path with what Mrs. Ida Willaby described as "reckless abandon". Two weeks agao, Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Ida Willaby added an addendum to their New Year's Resolution by deciding to count all the bicyclists who rode without helmets. This number they planned to turn into the Kalesburg Police Department in hopes that arrests would eventually be made.

A small discussion was held two weeks ago after the idea presented itself. The issue at hand was whether or not the newest addendum of counting bicyclist without helmets related to their overall New Year's Resolution. As was stated earlier in this paragraph, the conversation that followed was short and contained little to no raised voices. At the end of the discussion, it was decided by a two to zero vote in favor of counting bicyclists without helmets. This, it was agreed, did fit into their overall New Year's Resolution, "To Get Involved In Health And Fitness Issues."

*Quote with written permission and courtesy of Mrs. Ida Willaby.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Natural History

Mrs. Myrtle Standich, Mrs. Iris Fountain, and Mr. Walter Collier met for a casual luncheon hosted by Mr. and Mrs Howard Kennedy. The luncheon followed a pleasant morning spent at the Kalesburg Natural History Museum. Dialogue was served at noon along with expertly warmed Earl Grey and homemade biscotti.

Conversation was, in Mrs. Myrtle Standich's opinion, tedious to begin. Opening thoughts were made by Mr. Howard Kennedy, noting that he enjoyed the igneous rock made available. Mrs. Howard Kennedy added that the sedimentary rock display was equally appealing while Mrs. Myrtle Standich remarked that she was surprised to learn so much about limestone. Nods were made by all at the table. These could best be described as tedious nods.

Mrs. Iris Fountain broke the ice at approximately fifteen minutes past the noon hour. She did this by mentioning the fossil collection and also the display of human evolution. Mrs. Iris Fountain noted that all of this was interesting, but much more interesting and, to her taste, much more believable, was a special radio program she had heard just the other night whilst tidying her kitchen. The program, she recalled, was presented by an eloquently versed scientist. The scientist, whose name was unavailable at the time of press, noted his extensive training. This training led him to conclude that dinosaur bones were merely normal lizard bones which time and natural gases in the Earth's crust had fossilized and expanded.

Mrs. Iris Fountain was further able to support her story by stating that said scientist was working with a large number of other scientists, all of whose names were unavailable at press time. Through rigorous testing by these scientists, a unanimous decision was achieved in full support of the theory. Mr. Walter Collier also added that it is reasonable to assume that pollution and nuclear after-effects could also have played a role in large mutations.

Mr. and Mrs. Howard Kennedy furtively disagreed. In a joint statement they claimed that this could not be the case otherwise other animal bones would also mutate. Mrs. Myrtle Standich agreed and asked of Mrs. Iris Fountain why only apelike human skeletons were found and not giant human fossils. Mr. Walter Collier, once again, offered his advice on nuclear effects, stating that nuclear power was unpredictable and the likelihood of apelike mutations was just as possible as the likelihood of giant mutations. Mrs. Iris Fountain added that there could very well be giant human skeletons. But, if the government knew of these, they would most likely hide the issue, so as not to misinform and alarm the general public.

This could not be refuted by the available party, as no one in the present company had at any time been employed by the government. Mr. and Mrs. Howard Kennedy did add, however, that no one in the present company had at any time ever lived in the prehistoric ages, either-even as ancient as everyone may feel. This well-timed joke was taken with good humor by all and the general feeling of the day was one of separate, but content sides.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Quality Programming

Last evening, Mrs. Myrtle Standich was awaken by ring of the Standich family telephone at approximately nine o'clock. It was Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse. The tone of Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse was one of frenzied concern. Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse first apologizied for the tone in which she spoke. She then recounted the reason for her frenzied speech. Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse had been watching the television program, Cops, on the Fox broadcasting network.

She became disturbed by the way law enforcement officers were being portrayed. This was compounded further, Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse stated, when she learned the program was a reality program. To Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse's knowledge, there may be angry law enforcement officers in the world but she could remember none from Kalesburg. Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse wondered aloud how law enforcement officers of the world would react. Mrs. Myrtle Standich suggested their self esteem could be lowered as a result and further wondered aloud what kind of an example this set for children.

Said Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse, "There are bad people in every profession. But, you don't see real television programs made about evil bakers or evil secretaries." Mrs. Myrtle Standich furtively agreed, adding that the quality of television had been degrading ever since the American Broadcasting Company broadcasted the Zorro program. Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse asked the question, "What is the world coming to?" Mrs. Myrtle Standich repeated the question.

Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse then admitted that, in her honest opinion, the only quality program left on television was Wheel Of Fortune. She added that Mr. Pat Sajak was an angel. Mrs. Myrtle Standich agreed, but also believed that The Lawrence Welk Show was of high quality. Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse reminded Mrs. Myrtle Standich that The Lawrence Welk Show was prerecorded decades previous.

Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse's mind was put to rest at sixteen minutes past ten. This came once Mrs. Myrtle Standich promised to co-sign a letter of suggestion sent by Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse to various television producers to make television worth watching again.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Airport

Mrs. Myrtle Standich accompanied Mr. Walter Collier to the Minneapolis International Airport, a drive of almost two hours. Mr. Walter Collier requested Mrs. Myrtle Standich's attendance for the trip in which Mr. Walter Collier agreed to pick up Mrs. Evelyn Woods and bring her home. Mrs. Evelyn Woods had been visiting with family in Denver. Her flight intended to arrive at three o'clock in the afternoon. Therefore, Mr. Walter Collier arrived in Mrs. Myrtle Standich's driveway at a prompt eleven thirty in the morning. The early departure was intended in the event that the flight landed unexpectedly early. Eleven thirty, it was agreed, also left time for both Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mr. Walter Collier to eat breakfast before the trip, thereby saving even more time on the road, in the event that the flight landed even earlier.

The trip was efficiently driven. With a previously decided silence, Mr. Walter Collier arrived at the Minneapolis International Airport seven minutes under the estimated time. Mr. Walter Collier's navy blue sedan pulled into the terminal at one twenty-three in the afternoon. However, Mrs. Evelyn Woods flight arrived on schedule at three o'clock in the afternoon. This meant that Mr. Walter Collier and Mrs. Myrlte Standich had to circle the airport for an hour and a half, as Mr. Walter Collier refused to pay the absurd amount asked for parking. Shelled pistachios were eaten and national public radio was tuned in to pass the time.

Mrs. Evelyn Woods' flight arrived at the scheduled three o'clock hour. But, she did not exit the terminal until ffteen minutes later. When the three present had settled into Mr. Walter Collier's navy blue sedan, the drive was once again brisk. Mrs. Myrtle Standich began conversation by asking how Mrs. Evelyn Woods enjoyed her vacation. Mrs. Evelyn Woods recalled that the entire trip was pleasant, excluding the flight back. This, she associated with the large number of businessmen on the flight, whom she said behaved like impolite second graders. Her list of offenses included the slamming of seats into other people's knees when tired, pushing into the aisle the moment the plane touched ground, and a general refusal to apologize. This, Mrs. Evelyn Woods remarked was not the case for the businesswomen present, who were notably well behaved. Furthermore, Mrs. Evelyn Woods added the wish that all in business were required to attend the same school, particularly the one in which businesswomen currently attend.

Mr. Walter Collier was the first to remark on how pleasantly efficient his and Mrs. Myrtle Standich's drive had been. He contrasted the early arrival of the blue sedan as opposed to that of Mrs. Evelyn Woods' flight, which did land on time but stil left Mrs. Evelyn Woods fifteen minutes late for her scheduled pickup. Mrs. Evelyn Woods ended the evening by whole-heartedly thanking both Mr. Walter Collier and Mrs. Myrtle Standich for being such patient friends.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Post Office

Mrs. Myrtle Standich met Mrs. Dorothy Lamour* at the Kalesburg United States Postal Service. The meeting would be best described as impromptu, as a timely call placed by Mrs. Myrtle Standich to Mrs. Dorothy Lamour earlier that morning had discovered that both intended on mailing a letter in the afternoon. The meeting time was set at 2:15 pm.

A cordial greeting was given by both Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Dorothy Lamour who had not seen each other since last Sunday's mass. Once inside, they were met by a young Mr. Jeremy Green and Kalesburg Post Master, Mrs. Maryanne Drebin. Mrs. Maryanne Drebin carried on a simple but pleasant conversation but excused herself abruptly as she said had work to do in the back room. Mrs. Myrtle Standich spoke first to Mr. Jeremy Green, asking most politely for a first class stamp. Mr. Jeremy Green was quick to produce the stamp and asked for thiry-nine cents. Mrs. Myrtle Standich stepped back one step and said confused but still politely, "I thought it was thirty-five cents." Mr. Jeremy Green explained that the price had been raised and that come this Monday the price would be raised again to forty-one cents. Mrs. Dorothy Lamour was visibly outraged, proclaiming, "This is an outrage."

Mr. Jeremy Green apologized in a youthful tone, saying that he did not make the rules. Mrs. Myrtle Standich could not produce the four pennies necessary to pay for the stamp. Asking Mrs. Dorothy Lamour for the needed four cents proved futile, as Mrs. Dorothy Lamour was demanding to see who was in charge. Mr. Jeremy Green then explained that the United States Post Master General was not available. Mrs. Dorothy Lamour refused to pay, saying (quote), "We are American citizens. I voted. We both voted. And I will not pay forty-one cents for a stamp. I did not vote for that."(quote) Mr. Jeremy Green politely reminded that it was not necessary to pay forty-one cents until Monday and then in a generous surprise, volunteered to pay the extra eight cents for both Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Dorothy Lamour's troubles, apologizing a second time for the inconvenience.

Mrs. Myrtle Standich was thankful and pleased as was Mrs. Dorothy Lamour. Mrs. Dorothy Lamour then requested a Bob Hope stamp. Mr. Jeremy Green, disheartened, said, "We do not carry Bob Hope stamps. I am sorry." He explained that the Kalesburg United States Post Office was currently only carrying wild birds of America stamps. Mrs. Dorothy Lamour was once more outraged, bringing up the point that she could see wild birds of America any day, but that was not the case with the great American comedian and entertainer, Bob Hope. She added that she would not pay forty-one cents for a stamp of American wild birds when what she really wanted was a Bob Hope stamp. She then demanded her letter back and pointedly threatened to deliver it herself.

Mr. Jeremy Green, at this point, showed the first signs of agitation. Mrs. Myrtle did her best to quell the situation, offering the idea that, "a good stamp idea would be one of just ordinary Americans. For instance, their could be a Mrs. Myrtle Standich stamp. Or a Mrs. Dorothy Lamour Stamp. Or a Mr. Jeremy Green stamp." Mrs. Dorothy Lamour and Mr. Jeremy Green both agreed this was, in fact, a good idea. The mood calmed with this agreement, although Mrs. Dorothy Lamour still held true to her threat of delivering her letter on her own. As Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Dorothy Lamour turned towards the exit, Mrs. Dorothy Lamour requested that Mr. Jeremy Green see what he could so about the ordinary Americans stamp. Mr. Jeremy Green ended the visit by saying he would try, but reminded Mrs. Dorothey Lamour in a manner that could be considered exasperated that he had little to do with the matter.

*Mrs. Dorothy Lamour is of no relation to the famous screen star of the same name.

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Friday, May 11, 2007

Book Club

Mrs. Myrtle Standich, along with Mrs. Lisa Ferden, Mr. Charles Sumner, and Mrs. Martha Gaylord attended the monthly meeting and discussion group of The Kalesburg Book Of The Month Club, organized and operated by Mrs. Henrietta Popovish. This particular meeting took place at the Kalesburg Public Library. Also in attendance were Mr. Glenn Drabek, Mr. and Mrs. Luther Tate, and Mrs. Valerie Windell.

The book for this month was The Da Vinci Code by Mr. Daniel Brown, a book of recent renown. Mrs. Henrietta Popovich opened the conversation by saying that Mr. Daniel Brown's book had recently been made into a motion picture starring Mr. Thomas Hanks. Mr. Glenn Drabek added that he had seen the movie while it was in the movie theatres last year and that it was well performed but, "not long enough to sustain all the elements and ideas presented in the book." However, once conversation was steered back towards the book, Mr. Glenn Drabek admitted that he thought Mr. Daniel Brown's novel was too long and dilluted to hold his interest to begin with.

Mrs. Henrietta Popovich asked opinions of the others present. Mr. and Mrs. Luther Tate confessed that they had not read the book, citing blasphemy and busy schedules as their reasons. Mr. and Mrs. Luther Tate left soon after citing this complaint, stating that they only came to express their opinions and for the free coffee and scones.

Mrs. Valerie Windell commented that the novel grabbed her interest. But, that she found it troublesome to believe. Her biggest complaint was in regard to the many different nationalities of the characters throughout the book. Said Mrs. Mrs. Valerie Windell, "Even though they were all from different countries, they all spoke fluent English." Mr. Charles Sumner reasoned that Mr. Daniel Brown probably wrote in this manner so that Americans could read it. Mrs. Valerie Windell nodded. Added Mr. Charles Sumner, "In France, it's probably written all in French." Mrs. Martha Gaylord said that she certainly agreed with this but had also heard that many people in other countries who spoke other languages also spoke English. She had seen this on a recent Dateline program on the National Broadcasting Company. A general nodding of heads in interest could be observed around the circle. Said Mrs. Myrtle Standich at the end of the night, "Although I am not sure what I thought of The Da Vinci Code, I certainly was enlightened this evening." All in attendance agreed and Mrs. Henrietta Popovich adjourned the meeting.
For those wishing to attend the topic for next month is The Tin Drum by Mr. Gunter Grass. The discussion will begin promptly at 5 pm at the Kalesburg Public Library.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

House Warming

Mrs. Myrtle Standich attended the housewarming party of Mr. and Mrs. Henry Yamin. Also in attendance were Mrs. Ida Willaby, Ms. Allison Tuttle, Mr. and Mrs. Bernard Soloman. The home was of ranch style and is situated on Rodeo Drive. The front door was a most impressive solid mahogany. Mr. Henry Yamin reportedly purchased this from a flea market and referred to it as "a one in a million find". All in attendance agreed with him.

The interior was painted a delicate yellow which Mrs. Henry Yamin referred to as "dandelion". Later in the evening she would admit to the uncertainty of the actual name of the hue. The color scheme, in addition to "dandelion", also worked in powder blue. These colors were spread evenly and most pleasantly throughout the three bedrooms and two bathrooms. It was the bathroom annexed from the master bedroom that Mr. Henry Yamin referred to as "the throne" to the dismay of Mrs. Henry Yamin.

The end of the tour brought all in attendance most conveniently to the kitchen where Mrs. Henry Yamin had prepared a most appetizing display of h'ors d'oeurves. Of peculiar note were the mini hot dogs wrapped in mini croissants. Politely, all in company nibbled one while Mrs. Henry was present. But once she momentarily exited, it was discovered that Mrs. Ida Willaby, Ms. Allison Tuttle, and Mrs. Bernard Soloman uniformly agreed that mini hot dogs in mini croissants bordered on inappropriate for a house warming affair. Mr. Bernard Soloman was not present at the time. He was receiving a tour of the garage from Mr. Henry Yamin.

Mrs. Ida Willaby that she seemed to remember her grandchildren enjoying and theorized that there must be a new movement in the youth of today for this type of culinary behavior. Ms. Allison Tuttle spoke for all present when she said that if that was the case she is glad taste buds mature. Mrs. Bernard Soloman added that putting meat in a buttery pastry was particularly disturbing when ketchup and mustard were customarily used to flavor said meat. Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Ida Willaby nodded in agreement. This culinary faux pax notwithstanding, all present did find the party and therby the new home of Mr. and Mrs. Henry Yamin suitable.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007


Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Martha Gaylord visited Mrs. Dottie Page. The temperature was forecasted in the high seventies. So, it was decided that gardening would be a good activity. Mrs. Dottie Page had been bed-ridden for four weeks. She can now move about with aid of a walker. Mrs. Dottie Page claimed that it was her polio coming back. Mrs. Martha Gaylord immediately corrected her by saying that she had a stroke. Mrs. Dottie Page responded, "That's what my doctor said. But, who do you think knows my body better?" Mrs. Martha Gaylord was visibly agitated and this agitation caused her to say that Mrs. Dottie Page did not have the right to decide what illness her body had. Adding that, in her opinion, it was dishonest and unhealthy. Said Mrs. Dottie Page, "I did not decide. God did. And I take it in stride." Mrs. Dottie Page let the situation get the better of her, by responding rather curt, "I think you're crazy." Mrs. Myrtle Standich felt the need to mediate and did so by saying, "Ladies, we've got azaleas to plant."

All in company soon busied themselves with azalea seeds. It should, however, be noted that Mrs. Dottie Page had a history of personally misdiagnosing herself. This resulted in the dismay of her friends as well as her personal physician, whose name was unavailable at the time of press.

Midway through the first row of azaleas and just as Mrs. Dottie Page was asking if every other row should tulips, thunder crackled. The forecast had also predicted rain, but only as a very slight possibility. As rain had not yet fallen, it was decided to finish the first row before heading indoors. Mrs. Myrtle Standich had begun to hum a tune. This tune was selected at random and she paid little attention to its title or content until Mrs. Martha Gaylord began to sing the lyrics and identified it as "It's raining, it's pouring. The old man is snoring."

Mrs. Dottie Page was eager to incite a viable anecdote. Said she, "You know that song is actually a metaphor for how the Nazis took over Europe in World War II, right?" Mrs. Myrtle Standich admitted that she did not know this information. Mrs. Martha Gaylord did not follow suit. She, instead, retorted, "Dottie Page, it's one thing to fabricate an illness for yourself. But, I will not have you fabricate history!" She added that her grandfather, Mr. Phineas J. Polk, had sung that song decades before World War II. Mrs. Dottie Page recanted her previous claim and added, "maybe it was the first World War." Mrs. Martha Gaylord interjected that it was not. Following this, was a transaction in which Mrs. Dottie Page listed as many wars as she could remember dating back to the French and Indian War while Mrs. Martha Gaylord would simply say, "No." Mrs. Myrtle Standich could be seen looking upwards and hoping that the rain would naturally interrupt the argument. But, no such luck would occur. The forecaster, whose name was unavailable at the time of press, was right about the rain.