The Electric Mundanity of Mrs. Myrtle Standich

Sunday, April 29, 2007

A Pleasant Birthday

Mrs. Myrtle Standich celebrated her seventy-eighth birthday at Lola's Cafe for brunch at eleven o' clock. The party in attendance included Mrs. Ida Wilaby, Ms. Allison Tuttle, Mrs. Iris Fountain, Mr. and Mrs. Howard Kennedy, Mrs. Janet Wyman, Mr. Walter Collier, Mrs. Lisa Ferden, Mrs. Gloria Rhinehouse, Mrs. Helen Gruben, Mrs. Marta Doyle, Mrs. Jillian Kirby, Mrs. Gwyneth Dice, and *Mrs. Dorothy Lamour.

Attention was paid to Mrs. Myrtle Standich as she ate her eggs florentine. Various references were made to the idea that, "this is a very special day." All present agreed to this. Mrs. Janet Wyman started the conversation by telling a delightful story about when she and Mrs. Myrtle Standich first met. The audience was attentive even though this particular story had been told numerous times before to all in attendance. Shortly after, Mrs. Marta Doyle added how funny it was that she and Mrs. Janet Wyman had met Mrs. Myrtle Standich at the same place, The Kalesburg Pharmacy, but at different times. The topic of whether this was fate or coincidence was discussed for upwards of ten minutes upon which it was decided that it was a combination of both.

Laughter was steady. And when a trio of singing waiters appeared from the kitchen door with the surprise cake, it was barely visible that Mrs. Myrtle Standich was agitated, having previously asked for the refrain of cake and singing. As the waiters sung, Mrs. Jillian Kirby reminisced of Mrs. Myrtle Standich's seventy-seventh birthday the previous year also at Lola's Cafe, saying, "Remember, Myrtle? You had the eggs florentine and even though you asked us not to serve cake, you still ate a slice when it arrived." "That's how we knew to get you one this year," said Mrs. Marta Doyle. This brought about a slight chuckle, of which all present excepting Mrs. Myrtle Standich took part. In the midst of this, Ms. Allison Tuttle, exclaimed, "Who wants a mimosa?" All eyes politely fixed on Mrs. Myrtle Standich, who as honoree answered for everyone when she said, "Oh, why not?" Slight jubilation was felt. Quipped Mr. Howard Kennedy, "Mimosas? I don't know about you, but I'll have a scotch!" This brought the table to its most whimsical disposition of the night. The disposition, however, would later turn into an awkward silence as Mr. Howard Kennedy did, in fact, order a scotch.

All present joined in song as the trio of waiters set the cake ever so delicatley on the table. Mrs. Myrtle Standich slightly blushed. Mr. Walter Collier said, "Make a wish." Mrs. Myrtle Standich took a deep breath and made a wish: That her next birthday be at this very table; that the mood be as cheerful, the company as dear, and that this time they would respect her wishes. To her dismay, Mrs. Myrtle Standich was unable to blow out all the candles.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Spelling Bee

Mrs. Myrtle Standich, Mrs. Ida Wilaby, and Ms. Allison Tuttle attended the 56th Annual Kalesburg Spelling Bee. Mrs. Myrtle Standich had accepted the invitation on behalf of her grandson, Mr. Devon Standich, age twelve. Likewise, Mrs. Ida Willaby had received and accepted the invitation of her granddaughter, Ms. Jennifer Willaby, age eleven. Ms. Allison Tuttle accepted a joint invitation from Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Ida Willaby, as Ms. Allison Tuttle was unmarried and without offspring.

Conversation between Mrs. Ida Willaby, Mrs. Myrtle Standich, and Ms. Allison Tuttle was being kept at a hushed minimum. Ms. Allison Tuttle, however, commented after the first round, "I never, in my wildest dreams, would have thought that I would be sitting here at the Kalesburg Spelling Bee." Mrs. Myrtle Standich agreed, as did Mrs. Ida Willaby.

Mr. Devon Standich and Ms. Jennifer Willaby breezed through the first three rounds, as did twenty other children. However, in the fourth round, Ms. Jennifer Willaby was given the word 'spumoni' by Kalesburg Elementary principal, Gerald Spector. It marked the first time Ms. Jennifer Willaby resorted to the provided use of a definition. To her credit, many other contestants had resorted to such a tactic as early as the first round. Ms. Jennifer Willaby pushed through with only two slights pauses and advanced to the fifth round.

Mr. Devon Standich was then given the word 'parastroika'. Mrs. Ida Willaby and Mrs. Myrtle Standich gasped only slightly. Unlike Ms. Jennifer Willaby, Mr. Devon Standich did not resort to the definition request. Also unlike Ms. Jennifer Willaby, Mr. Devon Standich did not advance to the fifth round. Mrs. Ida Willaby gave Mrs. Mytrle Standich a much-needed reassuring pat on the knee.

In all, the fifth round claimed fifteen children. Said Ms. Allison Tuttle, "I do not know what to say, Myrtle." Mrs. Ida Willaby soon followed by saying, "I am sorry, but words like that do not belong in our schools." Mrs. Myrtle Standich nodded. Mrs. Ida Willaby continued, "Is that what we worked so hard for? Is that what we fought wars for? So, our children could be raised to memorize words like that?" "I don't think so," is all Mrs. Myrtle Standich could muster.

Mrs. Myrtle Standich, Mrs. Ida Willaby, and Ms. Allison Tuttle sat in silence throughout the remainder of the competition, which only lasted one more round. Ms. Jennifer Willaby won after spelling 'Tutankhamun'. You can catch Ms. Jennifer Willaby next participating in the Crenshaw County Spelling Bee, whose inclusion would look fine on any resume be it collegiate or professional.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Routine Physical

Mrs. Myrtle Standich's appointment had been pushed back fifteen minutes by Dr. Richard Dodds the day before said appointment. To quote him, "It's just a routine physical. No need to worry." Mrs. Myrtle Standich, however, could not help but worry. This is what every doctor seems to say and, what's worse, it seems to be what every doctor says just before they give you a most depressing diagnosis. This certainly was the case in regard to her late husband, Mr. Edmund Standich. Needless to say, this fear aroused concerns and pressed Mrs. Myrtle Standich to arrive a half hour earlier than her scheduled appointment.

A nurse deserving of the highest praises, Ms. Loretta Kampf, assisted Mrs. Myrtle Standich in the necessary paper work and then, reccomended a most interesting Ladies Home Journal to read while waiting for Dr. Richard Dodds. Dr. Richard Dodds walked into the room only two minutes later than the decided appointment. He looked reassuring. Mrs. Myrtle Standich felt as if she looked afraid. The joy presented to her from reading the Ladies Home Journal quickly vanished and she feared this would become a factor in her eventual diagnosis.

Dr. Richard Dodds, although late, was thorough and most professional. All phases of the physical were finished in a matter of twenty minutes. This, Dr. Richard Dodds assured was a good sign. Mrs. Myrtle Standich would have liked very much to believe him, but past experience kept her from that. Before leaving, she found herself going through a number of questions about health and healthcare. These questions ranged from what specific symptoms to look for in matters of serious disease to who was right in the proper pronunciation of diabetes; Dr. Richard Dodds (who pronounced it dya-bee-tees), or renowned entertainer Wilford Brimley (who pronounced it dya-bee-tis).

Dr. Richard Dodds was at first taken aback. This was apparent by the nervous laugh that answered Mrs. Myrtle Standich's first five questions. Eventually, all questions were answered with utmost satisfaction. Dr. Richard Dodds assured Mrs. Myrtle Standich that as soon as she felt unease, she should notify him and he would be more than happy to check her and hopefully rest her mind. Also, that the pronunciation of diabetes and any other illness, quote, "is up to whomever is pronouncing it as long as the pronunciation of said illness does not prevent the proper treatment," unquote. Wiser words are seldom ever spoken. Or printed, for that matter.

Monday, April 23, 2007


Mrs. Myrtle Standich arrived at the Kalesburg Community Theatre on Sunday afternoon at exactly ten till four o'clock pm. Mrs. Myrtle Standich was meeting Mr. David Tanner and Mrs. Greta Perdue, a near-relative of the renowned frozen chicken innovators. For five years running, these three have volunteered their time as ushers in order to see the performances for free. Sunday's show was Peer Gynt by Mr. Henrik Ibsen.

Mrs. Myrtle Standich, Mr. David Tanner, and Mrs. Greta Perdue were all in agreement that if the show had not been free, they would not have attended. It was not that the show was particularly poor. The script was workable. Mr. David Tanner said that Mr. Henrik Ibsen has done better and, therefore, expected more. But, Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Greta Perdue felt that the script was beautiful. Said Mrs. Greta Perdue, "It was a delight to hear some of the words. I was unaware that a few of them even existed." The actors, particularly Mr. Roland Sims in the title role, were serviceable. So, the production itself had merit.

It was in the treatment of the volunteer staff that the Kalesburg Community Theatre fell short. Mr. David Tanner had requested the position of ticket taker, on the account of a lack of desire to be a seat usher. This should have been guaranteed to him due to the fact that he was the first to ask for the position. Instead, the job went to Mrs. Estelle Havord whom all present knew received the coveted position because of her familial bond with the house manager, Mr. Frank Havord. Mr. David Tanner shouted "I did not storm the beaches of Normandy to come home and be forced to walk people to their seats sixty years later!" Mr. Frank Havord pointed out that Mrs. Estelle Havord had weak legs and was forced to use a walker. But, Mr. David Tanner retorted, "She walks fine when she wants to!" Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Greta Perdue agreed.

This injustice aside, there was also a failure to reward the volunteer staff in the seating arrangement. There were only two spots available in the floor seating. Thus, even though there stood a history of five years of sitting side by side, Mr. David Tanner was asked to sit up in the third row of the balcony. Mr. David Tanner refused to climb the stairs as his knees were weak on the account of his storming the beaches at Normandy. This seemed of no interest to the house manager and grandson of Mrs. Estelle Havord, Mr. Frank Havord. He was determined to split the trio up. Mr. David Tanner asked rather brazenly, "Did you ever storm the beaches of Normandy?" When Mr. Frank Havord did not respond, Mr. David Tanner repeated, "Did you?" When Mr. Frank Havord again did not respond, Mr. David Tanner repeated the question again with more fervor. This time, Mr. Frank Havord answered, saying, "No. I did not ever storm the beaches of Normandy. But, I still need someone to sit in the balcony." Mr. David Tanner countered by calling Mr. Frank Havord, "a facist".

Mrs. Myrtle Standich quickly volunteered to sit in the balcony the moment she realized that this argument could only end in a most disruptive fashion. This act kept the production on time and gave both Mr. Frank Havord and Mr. David Tanner a moment to cool their egos. On the way out the theatre, there was talk of whether or not the trio would come back and serve. Mr. David Tanner still seemed a little flushed in the face. All agreed that there had been injustices displayed. But all were also in understood that they had nothing to replace Sunday afternoons with if volunteering at the Kalesburg Community Theatre were cut from their schedules.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Mr. Buttons

Mrs. Myrtle Standich had tea with a distressed Mrs. Iris Fountain. Also in attendance were Mr. and Mrs. Howard Kennedy and Mrs. Janet Wyman. The reason for Mrs. Iris Fountain's distress was the passing of her tabby cat, Mr. Buttons. Mr. Buttons was twelve at the time of his passing. Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Janet Wyman consoled Mrs. Iris Fountain for upwards of fifteen minutes. Mrs. Janet Wyman had said she understood what Mrs. Iris Fountain was going through as her Siamese cat, Cleo(catra), had passed away only two months before. Mrs. Myrtle Standich agreed that it was a sad occasion.

When Mrs. Iris Fountain had regained her normally pristine composure, she took a sip of her Earl Grey and whispered, “At least he’s in Heaven.” It was at this point that Mr. Howard Kennedy, who had previously remained uncomfortable and silent, chimed, “We don’t know that for sure. The Bible says nothing about animals going to Heaven.” Mrs. Howard Kennedy placed her hand on Mr. Howard Kennedy's and said, “Now Howard, why would you say something like that?” To which Mr. Howard Kennedy replied, “It’s the truth.” “But still,” is all Mrs. Howard Kennedy managed to say in return. Mrs. Iris Fountain returned to her tearful depression, refusing Mrs. Myrtle Standich’s plea to have another sip of Earl Grey.

Mrs. Janet Wyman entered the argument with, “If we don’t know, there is still a possibility that Mr. Buttons and Cleo(catra) are both in Heaven. I think all living things go to Heaven.” In response, Mr. Howard Kennedy attempted to compromise with, “Well, I could see maybe seeing eye dogs going to Heaven.” Mrs. Myrtle Standich once again attempted to get Mrs. Iris Fountain to sip her Earl Grey. Mrs. Iris Fountain swore she would never drink Earl Grey again, “or any tea for that matter,” until she knew Mr. Buttons was in Heaven. It was obvious to all, including Mr. Howard Kennedy, that this was the sorrow talking and not Mrs. Iris Fountain. It was decided that it was best to leave Mrs. Iris Fountain to her thoughts.

Once outside, Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Janet Wyman agreed to pray that the next day found Mrs. Iris Fountain less dramatic. Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Janet Wyman also made a pact not to invite Mr. Howard Kennedy to tea ever again.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Sunday Mass

Mrs. Myrtle Standich attended the Sunday service at Saint Lukes. The mass was exceptionally executed although Father David Randolph's sermon was not his best. This was widely thought and not a criticism without merit. Father David Randolph has recently been rumored to have embezzled a sizable amount from the Saint Lukes collection basket. It would come as no surprise if his conscious was suffering. These rumors have proved unfounded thus far. But, a brand new ruby red Subaru leaves plenty of doubt among the parishioners. And this past Sunday's offering reflected the lack of trust in nickels and dimes. Though, no formal unionizing had occured, it certainly looked that way. Every parishioner, even the most pious, rummaged in their pockets for loose change. No dollar bills this Sunday. Not one.

Mr. Gary Martin said after mass, "If Father was going to steal the Lord's money, he could have at least bought an American car!" To which Mr. Larry Grange responded, "I don't think God is either American of Japanese!" "What is he, then" Mr. Gary Martin demanded rather forcefully. Mr. Larry Grange answered, "He's in Heaven. That's what he is." Mr. Gary Martin was not satisfied with this response even though it brought tears to the eyes of two out of three of the parishioners present. Mr. Gary Martin stepped into his Ford pickup. He slammed the door, but not before letting everyone have another piece of his mind. Said Mr. Gary Martin, "Well, God better pick a side!"

The women gapsed and the men coughed in their hands uncomfortably. Mrs. Rachel Todd spoke for everyone when she said, "I've never seen someone get so worked up about cars." Mrs. Myrtle Standich ended the morning rendezvous outside Saint Lukes by saying something many of the parishioners had been thinking for quite a while now. Said Mrs. Myrtle Standich, "I wish there were more space between pews. It would make mass much more pleasant."

Friday, April 13, 2007

Public Transportation

Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mr. Walter Collier took the 34 F public bus to the zoo today. The 34 F was one of those newer buses that knelt down for elderly and handicapped people so as to make the steps easier to climb. Mrs. Myrtle Standich thought this to be quite noble. Mr. Walter Collier immediately commented on how clean it was, although it could still have benefitted from a cold water rinsing. The smell of bleach was a little overpowering at times. Mrs. Myrtle Standich noted that the metal was extremely shiny and, in it, you could make out all the wrinkles in your face. A seat was picked near the front. Two young passengers stood and offered their seats and Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mr. Walter Collier both agreed that they were kindly youngsters even though one of them wore pants that were three sizes too big and you could see his underwear.

Mrs. Myrtle Standich was appalled at the volume at which people spoke on their mobile cellular phones. Mr. Walter Collier, at first, was unaware they were on mobile cellular phones. They all spoke through little receivers attached to ear pieces. It would not be far-fetched to assume that someone from a foreign country without mobile cellular phones could stumble onto this bus and assume that they were riding with a group of schizophrenics. This troubled both Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mr. Walter Collier. Why speak to someone miles away when they were plenty of new people to talk to sitting with you on the 34 F?

"Times certainly have changed," Mrs. Myrtle Standich said. "People seem more comfortable talking to robots." "Mobile cellular phones are not robots," Mr. Walter Collier corrected. Mrs. Myrtle Standich looked stubbornly at Mr. Walter Collier and replied, "Well, still..." Mr. Walter Collier and Mrs. Myrtle Standich let that ellipse trickle into a few minute pause which Mr. Walter Collier finally broke by saying, "You know what's good about agi ng? You can go somewhere with a pretty lady as friends and no one automatically assumes that you're knocking boots." Mrs. Myrtle Standich smiled. It should also be noted that Mrs. Myrtle Standich did blush and both Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mr. Walter Collier shared a friendly laugh.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


Mrs. Myrtle Standich, Mrs. Lisa Ferden, and Mrs. Dorothy Lamour (of no relation to the famous screen star) got together two nights ago for a quilting bee. Mrs. Dorothy Lamour felt as though the quilting bees as of late had become stale. "Lacking in pep," was the official quote. For added "pizzazz", a theme was chosen. The theme was 'A Few Of Our Favorite Things' from the Julie Andrews' classic Sound of Music. The beginning of the night was absorbed by conversation of and about the Julie Andrews' classic The Sound of Music. It was agreed that the movie, indeed, was a classic beyond the category of just Julie Andrews films (of which there are many to experience). It was most definitely a classic of world cinema. Noted moments are when Julie Andrews sings with the children on the mountain top and when Julie Andrews sings with the children by the water fountain. Also, when Julie Andrews sings with the children during the puppet show.

Once talk of Julie Andrews ended, needles were picked up and panels were selected. Mrs. Dorothy Lamour chose green panels, her favorite color. Panels of frogs, grass, and asparagas were added, as well as other objects that fit into the green motif. Mrs. Lisa Ferden chose panels of flowers. Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Dorothy Lamour chatted once Mrs. Lisa Ferden had left the room. The topic was whether or not Mrs. Lisa Ferden's flower quilt should be allowed since all of Mrs. Lisa Ferden's quilts contained flower panels. A decision was made to allow it to be made, but to not accept it as an official 'A Few Of Our Favorite Things' quilt. And with the added stipulation that future themed quilting bees in which Mrs. Lisa Ferden participated in should not include flowers in an effort to expand Mrs. Lisa Ferden's quilting spectrum. The rest of the night went along as planned, with Mrs. Myrtle Standich settling on the theme of 'Grandchildren and Bananas' for her quilt.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Planning Ahead

Mrs. Myrtle Standich took her grandson, Mr. Eric Standich, out to dinner at Wendy's. Mrs. Myrtle Standich had the baked potato with chives and a little cheddar. For the most part, Mrs. Myrtle Standich found the prepartion subpar. Mr. Eric Standich, age seventeen, ordered a hamburger and french fries with a frosty for dessert. Mr. Eric Standich had little to say of the meal even after questioning. The service, however, was immaculate. Mr. Brandon Fitz took the order, handled the transaction of money, and had the food delivered in a matter of fifteen minutes. Mrs. Myrtle Standich assumed Mr. Brandon Fitz to be at least fifteen and, with such an acute understanding of customer service, he is surely a name to watch in the future of the Wendy's organization.

Mrs. Myrtle Standich steered the convesation for the most part with Mr. Eric Standich peppering in with nods and scattered sighs. The main topic was Mr. Eric Standich's future, of which Mrs. Myrtle Standich was unsure. Mr. Eric Standich immediately countered that he, too, was unsure. Mrs. Myrtle Standich suggested the military, as recent television commercials stated that it was a wise choice for many young adults of various backgrounds. Mr. Eric Standich agreed that this was definitely the image they were portraying, but that it wasn't the right choice for him. Mrs. Myrtle Standich understood immediately and suggested a job in the ad industry. If Mr. Eric Standich liked the field of advertising, he could even make a series of commercials stating that it was also a wise choice for many young adults of various backgrounds to get jobs in advertising. Mr. Eric Standich nodded and ate. Mrs. Myrtle Standich couldn't tell if it was an agreeing nod or a disapproving nod and, therefore, went back to eating her baked potato.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Shopping For Improvement

Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Ms. Sophie Marx arrived at Tyrone's Grocery five minutes after noon. Mrs. Myrtle Standich has long held that the only reason Ms. Sophie Marx is still single is that she repeatedly refuses to change her last name, leaving everyone to assume she is a communist. Mrs. Myrtle Standich needed pumpernickel bread to make cucumber sandwiches for an after-dinner gathering the following evening. Ms. Sophie Marx needed an entire grocery list, as she had not been shopping for at least two and a half weeks.

The pumpernickel was found within ten minutes. And, with assistance from a kindly employee, Mr. Skip Mitchell, Mrs. Myrtle Standich now had the pumpernickel in her basket. The grocery list of Ms. Sophie Marx proved to be tedious. Conversation was kept to a minimum, as both Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Ms. Sophie Marx would like to have left as soon as possible. Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Ms. Sophie Marx came to the realization that the aisles were not marked properly.

This conclusion came to them in the cereal aisle. Ms. Sophie Marx recalled that not two aisles earlier she had passed Brillo pads and dish soap. Mrs. Myrtle Standich remarked that even in the cereal aisle there were major issues undealt with. She noted that not only were there cereal and cereal bars, but also raisins, peanut butter, mustard, and ketchup. The two immediately agreed that raisins, peanut butter, mustard, and ketchup did not belong in the same aisle as cereal and cereal bars. And Brilo pads and dish soap should remain at least five aisles away from any sort of edible products.

Furthermore, Ms. Sophie Marx added that aisles should be organized according to the meal. Mrs. Myrtle Standich adamantly agreed. Breakfast should be aisle one. Brunch, aisle two. Lunch, aisle three. Dinner, aisle four. Dessert, asile five. Snacks, aisle six. This would make for an easier, more pleasant shopping experience. Not to mention that it would just make more sense. Ms. Sophie Marx and Mrs. Myrtle Standich brought the matter to the attention of the owner of the establishment, Mr. Henry Tryone III, who directed them to the comment box and asked them to write a comment and thanked them for their concern in making the store a better place. Ms. Sophie Marx and Mrs. Myrtle Standich both left and a comment and, in a further step, vowed to add the improvements into their nightly prayers to the almighty.