The Electric Mundanity of Mrs. Myrtle Standich

Sunday, August 26, 2007


Mrs. Myrtle Standich attended, upon invite, a polka event hosted by Mr. Sherman Grotski at Kalesburg Square. This polka event was one of two presented each month by Mr. Sherman Grotski and his organization, Brats And Dance Polka Productions. Said Mr. Sherman Grotski, "We tend to have the dances at the Kalesburg Volunteer Fire Department Hall, but sometimes, like this week, when the weather's nice we like to have it outdoors here in the square. Once we had it in my backyard even. Any way we can do it, we do it." This is certainly reassuring for anyone who likes polka.

Mrs. Myrtle Standich arrived at five o'clock in the afternoon with Mrs. Lisa Ferden, Ms. Allison Tuttle, Mr. Frank Collins, Mr. and Mrs. Gregory Tubbs, Mr. Walter Collier, and Mr. and Mrs. Henry Yamin. All in this party arrived promptly at five o'clock excluding Ms. Allison Tuttle who arrived ten minutes past the hour.

The polka music was already playing when the Ms. Allison Tuttle strolled in ten minutes late. This left ten minutes less of dancing and experiencing polka, said Mrs. Lisa Ferden. Most in the party agreed, but few were so verbal about it. Mr. Sherman Grotski's enthusiasm for polka was shared by all in attendance. Many danced in the grass in front of the pavillion where the band played. Mrs. Myrtle Standich felt this to be contagious, though harmelessly so.

Teenagers were even dancing. Mr. Walter Collier challenged, "We can't let those young upstarts show us up. Let us dance!" This challenge was met by Mrs. Lisa Ferden, Mrs. Myrtle Standich, Mr. Frank Collins, Mr. Walter Collier, Mr. and Mrs. Gregory Tubbs, and Mr. and Mrs. Henry Yamin. Said Mrs. Lisa Ferden, "Polka could unite us all." Indeed, that was certainly felt by all except Mrs. Allison Tuttle who was offered a dance from none other than Mr. Sherman Grotski, but could not be moved from her wooden folding chair for fear of "grass-staining" her good shoes.

Said Mr. Sherman Grotski, "What's polka without grass stain?" And, though some may have known the answer to such a question, not one spoke. Instead, everyone danced.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The X Games

A town meeting was called on Tuesday night. The Kalesburg Community Council met at seven in the evening. Present were Mrs. Myrtle Standich, Mr. Walter Collier, Ms. Allison Tuttle, Mr. and Mrs. Henry Yamin, Mr Walter Collier, and Mrs. Ida Willaby, among others. At hand, was the possibility of an event called the ESPN X Games being played in Kalesburg.

President Thomas Carr began by greeting and thanking all in attendance. He then stated that a petition had started in Kalesburg Senior High School to promote the city as a possible host to The ESPN X Games in a few years. President Thomas Carr, a man of respect, felt it necessary to bring this to the entire city of Kalesburg, as the decision would effect all in population.

President Thomas Carr next explained what The ESPN X Games entailed. He began by using a joking situation, saying:
"Do not worry. This could easily be confused as a game show, much like Jerry Springer, where people fight against their former spouses, their 'exes'. What this really is is a possibility for Kalesburg to create some additional revenue should you all approve of this."
During the joke, a general chuckle was heard throughout. Next, President Thomas Carr explained, in all seriousness, the kind of games the ESPN X Games really entailed. Some of these were skateboarding, skiing with ramps, bicycling with ramps, and street luging-which from pictures and a short video demonstration looked much like sledding down a paved road if your sled had wheels and you were lying down and looking up as your sled plummeted down the pavement, trying to avoid parked cars.

Some of the Kalesburg High School students spoke next. Mr. Tyson Browning, age sixteen, assured, "These athletes know what they are doing." Mr. Richard Engstrom, age nineteen and a senior, added, "It looks dangerous but it's not." Later, both would swear that it was safe. This seemed to go unheard by all except Mr. Henry Yamin, who said quite pointedly, "If it is safe, then let them go be safe in some other neighborhood!" This sentiment was felt throughout the auditorium, even after President Thomas Carr stated the large amount of revenue and press that this event would attract. Mrs. Ida Willaby answered, in what seemed the general opinion, that the revenue and exposure did not matter and that, "those X hoodlums are not welcome here."

The issue was soon tabled after threats of impeachment were shouted towards President Thomas Carr. Instead of The ESPN X Games, the Kalesburg community compromised and two of the parking spaces at Kalesburg Senior High will be converted into a skateboarding park come next spring.

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Saturday, August 18, 2007

Chinese Auction

On August seventeenth, The Kalesburg United Methodist Church held their annual Chinese Auction Fund Raiser. In attendance this year were Mrs. Myrtle Standich, Mr. and Mrs. Luther Tate, Mrs. Lisa Ferden, Mrs. Edna Munson, Mr. and Mrs. Henry Yamin, and Mr. Walter Collier*. Mr. Gary Martin had planned to attend but decided just before that he felt it "UnCatholic" to attend a Methodist function, especially without his parish priest, Father David Randolph of Saint Luke's Church. Mr. Walter Collier claimed that all church fund raisers gave their money to God in the end. This was not the way Mr. Gary Martin felt, to say the least.

There was much to be ogled over at The Kalesburg United Methodist Church Chinese Auction Fund Raiser. Some of the many items were a lovely embroidered quilt, a table saw, tickets to the Kalesburg High School Spring Musical, an alarm clock shaped like the Eiffel Tower, Tickets to a Minnesota Twins baseball game, a beautiful pen set, various Kalesburg Dairy Queen coupons, a sewing machine, a Lay Z Boy recliner, and a large color television.

The night was of utmost fun and excitement and winners included Mr. Luther Tate (Lay Z Boy recliner), Mrs. Lisa Ferden (tickets to a Minnesota Twins baseball game), Mrs. Edna Munson (coupon for a free Blizzard at the Kalesburg Dairy Queen), Mrs. Myrtle Standich (table saw).

*Of note: there were certainly many others who attended whose names were unavailable at press time. One estimation quoted the number of attendees to be "somewhere in the high fifties".

Monday, August 13, 2007

A Vegetarian

Mrs. Myrtle Standich met with Mrs. Ida Willaby for a light lunch at twelve fifteen in the afternoon at Roscoe's Deli (at the corner of Main and Selma). Mrs. Ida Willaby brought a most unexpected guest, her grand daughter, Ms. Laura Willaby, age twenty. This invite could be judged as impolite, though this phrase was politely refrained from. An attempt at pleasant conversation began and, by all accounts, headed in a pleasing manner.

Ms. Laura Willaby excused herself for the restroom. Mrs. Ida Willaby, in Ms. Laura Willaby's absence, reported to Mrs. Myrtle Standich that Ms. Laura Willaby was a vegetarian. The evening news had just broadcast a report on these people and Mrs. Myrtle Standich mentioned this coincidence, but also admitted that she had not watched the report. A general tension was felt and audibly admitted. Mrs. Myrtle Standich regretted the choice of restaurant. Roscoe's Deli (at the corner of Main and Selma) had a wide selection of deli meats, but little to do with vegetables. Mrs. Myrtle Standich proposed a quick decision to move the lunch to the Kalesburg Denny's, where both had seen a wide array of salads and/or vegetables. Mrs. Ida Willaby presented the notion that Ms. Laura Willaby might feel uncomfortable about her choice in life if the plans changed. It was decided just before Ms. Laura Willaby returned to leave the lunch date "as is" and hope for the best, with nary a word about Ms. Laura Willaby's life decision.

Ms. Laura Willaby, upon arrival, looked at her menu-as did Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Ida Willaby. Not a word was spoken. When the waiter arrived, orders were placed in a quick fashion be Mrs. Myrtle Standich, ordering an egg salad sandwich on wheat, and Mrs. Ida Willaby, ordering a BLT on rye. Ms. Laura Willaby ordered a grilled brie and tomato on seven grain. Mrs. Ida Willaby would later admit to how proud she was of her grand daughter's problem solving skills. But, in the moment prior to the collecting of menus, Mrs. Ida Willaby and Mrs. Myrtle Standich were most horrified for the sake of Ms. Laura Willaby. "Had she unknowingly compromised her beliefs," was the general sense of questioning. Mrs. Myrtle Standich could be said to feel guilty. Mrs. Ida Willaby hoped that Ms. Laura Willaby would actually eat all that was on her plate and not just the vegetable. Mrs. Ida Willaby hastened to mention that she had recently read that tomatos were now referred to as fruit.

Mrs. Myrtle Standich and Mrs. Ida Willaby later recounted a moment of prayer of hope and guidance before lunch was served.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Fish Fry

At four o'clock in the afternoon, Mrs. Myrtle Standich met with Mrs. Lisa Ferden and Mr. Frank Wyland at the Kalesburg Volunteer Fire Department's Thursday Fish Fry. As traditions go, the Kalesburg Volunteer Fire Department's Thursday Fish Fry has seemed overlooked by most of the Kalesburg populace who are not presently serving in the Kalesburg Volunteer Fire Department. But, it is rare even in Kalesburg, for fish to be served so well and at such a low price.

Mrs. Myrtle Standich, Mrs. Lisa Ferden, and Mr. Frank Wyland had made a pact to experience what Mr. Frank Wyland described as, "all things Kalesburg." The Kalesburg Volunteer Fire Department's Thursday Fish Fry was reccomended first to Mrs. Lisa Ferden by Mr. Douglas Wilder at Saint Luke's Sunday evening service. It was agreed by Mrs. Lisa Ferden, Mrs. Myrtle Standich, and Mr. Frank Wyland that the Kalesburg Volunteer Fire Department's Thursday Fish Fry, though obscure, was Kalesburg oriented.

The fish was pleasant as was the demeanor. Mr. Frank Wyland even added the evening with a laugh, stating comically that he hoped the fire alarm did not sound because he "needed more tartar sauce". Fish, humor, and firemen. I think we can all agree that this, indeed, is Kalesburg.

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